


The Chaotic, Irritating, and Perfect

by CaptainPicard



Series: Band AU [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Allura is ripped, BAMF Allura, BAMF Hunk, BAMF Keith, BAMF Shiro, Cats, Dating, Drugs, Everyone Has Issues, F/F, F/M, Female pronouns, God Keith is gay, Klunk - Freeform, Lots of Cats, M/M, Marriage, Multi, Music, Orginal Female Characters - Freeform, Polyamory, Sex, Shiro has PTSD, Sorry but there are dead people, Stereotypes, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, band au, cutting mention, everyone is 18+, lance is a piece of shit but we love him, sensitive topics
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-14
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-07-24 01:22:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7487853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainPicard/pseuds/CaptainPicard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The Paladins (or Voltron, or the Defenders or the Universe Defenders)... Yeah a band, Were a band."</p><p> The paladin’s of voltron are all members of a band in a world where all the aspects of Voltron never existed outside a 80’s cartoon. </p><p>Not told in any direct order unless specified. Time line jumping is guaranteed, will contain some sensitive topics, all chapters will be flagged with warnings. Feel free to send prompts and ask questions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Concerning Eclair

Hunk opened the door of the apartment he shared with Keith, and walked in kicking off his shoes with a sigh, and sat the black fabric cat carrier on the back of the couch. He unzipped it and a angry bicolor Ragdoll rushed out talking loudly the whole way to the cat tree in the corner where Keith’s tortoiseshell, Sybil opened one eye to glance at her, then went right back to sleep.

“I’m sorry Eclair,” Hunk said as he zipped the carrier closed and put it away in the closet by the door taking off his coat and stuffing it in too.

“Why are you apologizing to the cat?” asked Keith, who leaned against a doorframe, shirtless and with a red towel draped around his shoulders. Everything in the apartment was color coded. Keith had the red towels and washcloths and Hunk had yellow. It was originally Keith’s idea it worked out just perfect. “What did the vet have to say about her sudden weight gain and that knot in her stomach anyway?”

Hunk sighed and plopped down on one of the counter bench stools, “Well the weight gain isn’t really a problem, in fact it’s healthy… And the knot is natural I guess.”

“What is it then?” Keith inquired as he walked into the kitchen, rubbing Hunk’s shoulder as he walked by. He then grabbed a cup out of the cabinet. Setting it down and looking at Hunk as he took the carton of milk from the fridge.

“Well you know how I don’t have her fixed because she’s a purebred and I could make money to pay for culinary school by her having kittens, and then me selling them and stuff?” Keith nodded putting the carton back in the fridge. “Well at some point the last time she went into heat, which was the last time we all brought our cats to band practice, someone’s cat got to her… and we are going to have kittens.” 

Keith almost choked, he sat the cup down and looked Hunk square in the eye. “She’s pregnant?!” Hunk nodded.

“But who’s cat could have got her? Lance is the only one of us with a male… well I guess we don’t know what Pidge’s cat is but, Lance is the only one stupid enough to not get his cat fixed.” Keith stated finishing off his milk and dumping the cup in the sink. “Wait what about Shiro’s cat, he’s male, and he might not be fixed. Did he have him the last time?"

Hunk shrugged, “I don’t know, I had completely forgotten about Shiro’s cat for a second there. Do wanna call a band meeting so we can all figure it out together?”

Keith nodded and pulled out his phone, “I’m going to go find a shirt and I’ll call Shiro you got Lance and Pidge?” Hunk nodded and watched his boyfriend as he walked of towards the bedrooms. Hunk looked over at Eclair who was cleaning herself looking frustrated and smiled he didn't care if the kittens weren't purebred. They were kittens, and nothing was more precious than babies. Right?

* * *

 

“Why are you placing all the blame on Dipstick?! He’s fixed! There is no way that he could have knocked up Eclair! It had to be Sybil!” Lance pointed Keith square in the chest and gestured towards the tortie who was playing with the oversized Maine Coon on the floor.

Keith rolled his eyes looking at the idiot in front of him, “No, Sybil could not have impregnated Eclair because, Sybil believe or not Lance, is a _girl_. It has to be Dipshit.”

“His name is Dipstick not Dipshit thank you very much,” Lance defended his noisy black and white cat.

Hunk stood in the kitchen watching said cat as it circled his legs talking loudly, Hunk has already pushed Dipstick off the counter, and had slapped his grabby polydactyl paws away from the food that Hunk had prepared for his human guests. Not his feline, Pidge sat at the counter stool her arms crossed and a smirk on her face as she watched the cat yet again try and snatch food. Her eyes would dart to the door every so often. Hunk smiled knowingly, he did pretty much the same thing before he and Keith hooked up, she had a terribly large crush on Shiro. But he didn't bother pointing it out or she'd deny it and try to kill him. Her brown eyes were bloodshot and rimmed in black, she obviously had not been sleeping again. She was taking extra classes at the college on top of the normal courses she was taking, and her performance as the band’s lead singer of course was never deterred no matter how much Lance wished so he could be the lead.

“Pidge, you need to stop pulling those all nighters, you’re only a freshman, have you thought that I don't know maybe you should take it easier and not take so many classes? It's not good for your health, your going to crash eventually,” Hunk consoled opening a cabinet, that Dipstick tried to climb into but he was unable to because it slammed closed on his nose, and pulling out a jar of peanut butter and keeping it from her view until he could grab a spoon.

He waited till she looked back at the door and then sat them down in front of her. She looked down in front of her not processing at first but then her face lit up, “Hunk! But it’s your peanut butter… Are you bribing me to get sleep?”

Hunk smiled and opened the jar for her ignoring her questions, all of her hesitation forgotten as he tore off the seal, the doorbell rang just as she made a soft squeal and scooped up peanut butter. Shiro slowly opened the door, Keith and Hunk had told him multiple times that if he is invited over and he knows that the door is unlocked he doesn’t have to wait for an invitation. And it had taken multiple times for Shiro to finally take their offer to heart. 

Keith and Lance continued their bickering oblivious to Shiro’s entry, Shiro looked in their direction as he shut the door an exasperated look crossed his face, he sat Baloo’s carrier on the ground and unlatched the door, the large male cat slowly crept out of his carrier. Pidge turned to the door, with a spoon sticking out of her mouth, she smiled brightly and stuck the spoon back in the jar and snapped her fingers to call the tailless cat over. Baloo’s nicked ears perked up as he trotted towards his second favorite human. No one really knew why Baloo liked Pidge more exclusively than the other band members, but they didn't really care. He came up and rubbed against her legs, she had to push up her long sleeves to access her hands, but she scooped him up and the happy cat purred rubbing his face against hers. Shiro smiled at their interaction, and walked over to Hunk and Pidge. 

He flashed them one of his brightest smiles, “How long have they been at it?”

Pidge shrugged, “Since Lance got here.”

Shiro side eyed them and rubbed his cat’s head. A loud thump alerted their attention as a very triumphant looking Dipstick trotted down the countertop like a high end fashion model, Hunk finally had enough and scooped up the annoying male cat from the counter and walked him over to Lance, breaking up the bickering.

“Take your beast. He’s trying to steal human food,” Hunk grumbled as Lance took his cat. “We actually have a reason that we are here.” 

Lance shrugged, “Sorry.” He held Dipstick to his chest, and sat down cross legged on the floor. 

Keith rolled his eyes and flopped down on the sofa, catching Sybil’s attention and the cat fled the giant cat on the floor to Keith’s lap. The maine coon sat up and looked around the room and took off in a blur of blue gray tabby and white. Hunk sat himself on the floor where Eclair strided over to flop in his lap. Baloo had fallen asleep happily in Pidge’s arms and she seemed perfectly content with it. Shiro moved away from the counter to lean against the wall by Pidge’s giant cat who was currently trying to eat her tail.

“So, um well, not to point any fingers” Hunk began scratching the back of his head. “But Eclair is pregnant, and I would at least like to know who’s cat did it, and we’re kinda assuming it’s one of you guy’s…” 

Keith pointed at Lance, “It’s his.”

“Dipstick is fixed!” Lance defended grabbing his cat’s hind legs and flipping his cat so he was on his back and pointing at the cat's rear. “See no testicles, he’s fixed!” 

Keith grumbled something and crossed his arms, tugging at the carpet. They all sighed then looked at Pidge in complete unison. Her golden amber eye’s widened and she gave off an offended gasp.

“I don’t know why you are trying to imply that it was Kika, I have explained this to all of you before multiple times, Kika is a she, she is female, a fixed female.” Pidge stated flatly rubbing Baloo between the ears.

“Then who-” A noise from Shiro cut Lance off.

“Was she in heat at the last band practice we all brought our cats too?” Shiro directed the question at Hunk.

“Yeah why?” Hunk replied. 

“Well fuck,” Shiro cursed, and Pidge leaned back slightly tipping her head at the older man who always corrected her language. “Hunk I’m so sorry, I had just adopted Baloo, he wasn’t fixed yet. I should have checked before bringing him.” 

Hunk’s face lit up, and he rubbed Eclair’s belly, “It’s all good Shiro! It’s good to know, guess that makes us grandparents!”

Everyone laughed and Pidge held Baloo out in front of her, “You're a little stud, Baloo.” The tuxedo cat meowed happily and bumped his face against her forehead.


	2. The One Where Allura has a Girlfriend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which they discuss Allura's ex-girlfriends and meet the latest one.
> 
> And Lance is Salty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drugs, Sex, STDs, Mentioned Homophobia, Alcohol, and a indefinite Hangover are mentioned in this chapter read wisely!

Allura and Pidge never really did much together, they weren’t really close to begin with, so the space really didn’t bother them but it bothered Lance.

“They are girls, but they don’t do anything together!” He groaned as he watched Pidge mess around with a broken amp and Allura walk around in circles on her cell phone her flats clicking when they made contact with the smooth concrete. “I mean shouldn’t they be like gossiping about boys and fashion trends and getting nails done and going to the mall and getting Starbucks?!”

The Starbucks comment got an irritated grunt from the band’s coffee connoisseur, Shiro unplugged his bass, “Leave them be Lance. If they don’t hang out that’s none of your business.”

“What if they do?” Keith suggested putting his guitar inside it’s case. “But it’s not likely they talk about boys.” 

“How do you know, Keith?!” Lance sneered venom dripping from Keith’s name. 

“Allura’s a lesbian,” Keith stated flatly. “And if you haven’t noticed Pidge has no interest in dating, male or female.”

“What?! How would you know?!” Lance shouted standing up and pointing at Keith. 

“I don't know maybe it's these things called, common sense and observation!?” Keith shot back, soon they were at each other’s throats.  

Hunk walked over and separated the two.  They turned away from each other returning to their previous activities. Shiro strided over, putting his hands in his pockets, “He's right Lance, Allura might not be exactly a lesbian, but she does seem to have an affinity for women.” 

Hunk nodded, “Like the Russian contortionist.” 

Keith pointed at him, “Or the Bollywood actress.” 

“Or the girl from Broadway.” Shiro stated, leaning against Keith's amp. 

Lance looked at his band mates, his facial expression showed many different forms of confusion and denial. Shiro shrugged and Lance looked back at Allura who had stopped pacing and was making elaborate hand gestures in the air as she continued to talk on the phone. She couldn't be gay, she was too straight looking to be gay. She has the straight girl ass and hair, she just couldn't be gay. Could she? He hated the idea of Keith being right, Keith was always right and it wasn’t fair. 

When Allura was finished with her call she walked back to her Paladin's, Lance was moping while he tuned his guitar. 

“What’s wrong Lance?” She asked looking around at the rest of the band. 

Keith snorted, “He had no idea that you dated girls.”

Allura cocked her head, “How? I do believe I have been very open with my personal relations?”

Keith shrugged and Hunk gave a nod. Shiro had pulled out his phone and looked up before turning his attention back to his phone. 

Lance looked in Allura’s general direction and grumbled, “I guess you have. How many have you had since you know we’ve known you?” 

“Huh let me think,” Allura paused. “Well there was Missy, she’s a contortionist from Russia. We dated for about 3 weeks, before she left, and Caitlin, but I don’t even really remember why I hooked up with her in the first place, she was a spoiled rotten brat with daddy’s money, I ended that. Anita, she and I had a short fling, before she left of course but she taught me several things in Hindu first. And there was-”

“Mary Joe, that country singer that you met who was competing on one of those T.V. singing competitions,” Pidge interjected popping up from behind the amp she was working on, everyone had almost forgot she was there. 

Allura smiled and pointed at Pidge, “Ah yes! Mary Joe, we dated for a month, and then when she was kicked off the show she moved back to Atlanta, Georgia. Of course she broke up with me first and told me she had no interest in a lesbian relationship, which makes no sense because we had been together for a month and it had been a very intimate month.”

“What about that nice Christian girl, the Renegade’s manager’s assistant? I’ve ran into her a couple times outside performances,” Shiro stated with a shrug. 

Allura giggled at that, “Oh yeah Eliza, I don’t really consider her a ex, but I did have a fun night with her, of course she’s afraid of me now for whatever reason.” 

“Homophobe,” Keith said, rolling his eyes, the word was practically dripping with venom. 

“Most likely,” Allura said, and her phone blooped with a notification tone. “Oh and there’s my current girlfriend.”

She had everyone’s attention, and she laughed, “Her name is Polly, she’s from a underground grunge band called the Sex Angels.” 

Pidge had stood up and walked over untying her extremely oversized flannel from her waist and shrugging it on, “Why underground?” 

Allura blushed, “Well, uh Polly’s music isn’t exactly considered clean, or really her shows either. As the band name suggests, there’s a lot of sex, and drinking, and I’m assuming there’s drugs too, but that’s rock.” 

Shiro and Pidge shared a look, Allura normally wasn’t so laid back about that kind of thing. In fact she had drug tests performed on the whole band, and there had been a few times that Lance had showed up high to band practice and he got seriously reprimanded for that. Her phone blooped again as a sleek black 2014 Ford Mustang rolled down the driveway, it’s engine revved slightly. Allura turned on her heel and she clapped, “Speak of the devil there she is!” 

The Mustang rolled to a stop, shutting off and the driver’s door swung open. A tall unusually slender woman climbed out tossing her long faded blue braid over her shoulder. Her dark brown and bleach blonde roots helped her vibe. Her makeup was black and smudged, she had either been crying or she had no idea what a shower or a makeup wipe was. She wore a pair of mortally destroyed black jeans and a white top that had to be a bra, and a shawl that looked like she had tied a bunch of rope together. She lowered her sunglasses slightly scrutinizing the band before pulling out a DumDum from her back pocket ripping off the wrapper and popping it in her mouth. 

“Well that ruined the vibe,” Lance grumbled under his breath. Polly strutted over throwing an arm around Allura's shoulders in a half hug and Allura smiled. 

“Everyone this is my current girlfriend Polly,” Allura gestured to Polly who gave them a half hearted wave. 

“ 'ey,” Polly said around the DumDum. She looked over at Pidge who was fiddling with one of Keith's picks. “I like the look shrimpy.” 

Pidge blushed, used to the nickname applying to her. She looked down at her oversized overalls, they hadn't been washed in weeks but that hadn't stopped her from throwing the ratty things on. She pulled her flannel around herself and tossed Keith the pick and shuffled over to hide behind Shiro. He reached behind himself to offer her his hand. 

“Hello?” Hunk offered. Keith crossed his arms standing next to his boyfriend, he leaned close to Hunk's ear and whispered something no one but Hunk caught, because he suddenly went stiff. To cover it up Keith pressed his lips to Hunk's. 

Allura laughed breaking up the awkward silence and removing herself from Polly's arm and gesturing to the band.

“And Polly, these are are The Paladins. They're the band that I'm managing!” Allura smiled and began to introduce every member. “At the end here we have Keith, he's the lead guitarist and then this is Hunk his boyfriend and the drummer.” 

She pointed to Pidge and Shiro, “This is Pidge she's the lead, and the guy with the robot arm is Shiro, he's the bassist-” 

Polly raised a hand to stop Allura before drawling out, “So, hold on lemme, Shiro was it?” 

He nodded and she continued, “That robot arm of your’s, you can play with it?” 

He nodded again, “Yeah it's completely articulate, I've never seen a piece of technology operate so smoothly, Pidge made it,” He gestured to the girl who was still clutching his hand. “I use it instead of a pick.” 

Polly nodded and let Allura introduce the last band member, Allura smiled and pointed at Lance who was frustratedly texting, “And this is Lance, he’s the backup guitarist and resident keytarist.” 

Lance looked up and gave an irritated grunt, he hated being second best to Keith and he really didn't like the way this Polly, stood there acting better than them. She had completely ruined any chance she had at looking punk rock by putting that lollipop in her mouth instead of a cigarette. Polly lowered her sunglasses and pursed her lips around the lollipop stick, giving him a look of disapproval before pulling it out. 

“What's with the look? You think your the shit or somethin’?” Polly spoke slowly, before sticking the lollipop back in her mouth. 

Lance's jaw dropped and he tried to make words to defend himself, but there were no words for what she just said to him. A snicker from Keith bubbled up into a giggle, to a full on shorting and wailing laugh. He was clutching his ribs as he doubled over from laughter, Hunk clutched his shoulder repeatedly telling Keith to breathe. 

Polly glanced at Keith her eyebrows raised, “What’s his problem?”

Shiro sighed, “Sorry it’s like this all the time, Keith and Lance don’t exactly get along. I think you just made Keith’s day.” 

Polly regarded him slowly, eyebrows raised offering a look that could have only been admiration. Her tongue flicking between her lips as she wrapped her arm around Allura's waist. She spun Allura around and smashed her lips into Allura’s aggressively. Allura gasped before sinking into the sudden and aggressive kiss. Polly’s hand drifter to Allura’s rear that she squeezed before pulling away and whispering something to Allura. Polly then turned around and strutted back to her car throwing a peace sign over her shoulder and offering a weak, “Caio.”

Pidge cringed, “Well… She’s something else?”

“Are you kidding me?! You’re dating a literal Courtney Love, and you didn’t tell us?!” Keith laughed clapping a hand against his leg. 

“Okay so that’s who she reminded me of…” Pidge trailed off. 

“Who the fuck is Courtney Love?! Wait nevermind if she’s a bitch like that I don’t wanna know…” Lance grumbled then turned to Allura. “Are you really a lesbian?” 

Allura laughed and waved it off, “Oh no Coran is the lesbian.” 

Lance’s eyebrows made contact in the middle of his forehead, “Wait… What?”  
Allura face palmed, “No idiot, I am a lesbian jesus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Renegades are a rival band made up of Nyma, Rolo, and Beezer


End file.
